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The Computer
By Charles E. (Chuck) Robinson

Me and Bubba is on our way over to cousin Lita's. She got one of them there computers. We woulda left sooner, but we opened a 12 pack of beer and had to drank 'em cause we was skeered once we opened the box that they mite git stale.

Anyway, we finally got to Lita's. Bubba moved them computer boxes into the house 'cause they was too heavy for cousin Lita. Lita is purty as can be, but she can't lift heavy thangs. Bubba is a skeery lookin' creature but, he CAN lift heavy thangs. His Momma always said the good Lord give him a strong back to make up for his feeble brain. Anyways, we took to settin' up the computer.

We was shore fooled at first by them boxes. We thought they was dairy 'quipment 'cause the boxes looked like the side of a old milk cow, but they was real computer gadgets. I guess Gateway was some computer sayin for "open the gate and let them milk cows back in the barn.”

That computer shore has a lot of pieces and parts. First thang we did was set up the TV. It ain't got no antenna, so I guess we ain't gonna get too many TV stations all way out here. Next thang, Lita was talkin' 'bout a hard drive. We told her just gettin' there was a hard drive cause of the beer and Uncle Larry's bridge bein' washed out. She said the hard drive was a computer part. We shore got some excitement next thang. Lita told Bubba to get the mouse outta the box and he took to stompin'. He said he would not let no rodent skeer Lita.

She said the mouse was a computer part. I guess the little wheel fer him to run in must be in another box. Next thing she was wantin' was a keyboard. Bubba asked her if she was takin' up music, but she said the keyboard was fer talking to the hard drive. She has done lost us now. I ain't even gonna try to figer out what she is talkin' about. Bubba got the keyboard and Lita said it was a typewriter, but somebody done smashed it down flat. Lita said it was supposed to be that way. Next thang she said she needed was a printer.

Bubba jumped up an volunteered, cause he can print his name real good. He said them three years he spent in the first grade was what made him print so good. Lita said the printer was for the computer to write with. I am startin' to wonder if that computer ain't some kind of alien creature. Now we is hookin' up cables and cords. They is enough line strung for that computer to tie up a wagon full hay. Now we is ready...time to fire up the computer. I do declare, it looks like Christmas time with all them differnt color lites a flashin'!

Lita said she needs soft wear now. Bubba told her to cut back on the starch next time she does clothes washin' and she would be okay. She said soft wear is what makes the computer do magic. Now I know she has got some kinda alien space creature that does magic tricks. This is really bogglin' my brain..Bubba has done melted.

Lita said she wants to find the web. Me and Bubba both told her they was a big spider web out by the barn, but she said the computer has a world wide web. I shore don't want to tangle with a spider big enough to spin a web like that.

Ain't that somethin', she just opened the box, and the spiders is already goin'after her computer. Well, I'll be....they is pitchers on that TV. We best call the law, 'cause the pitcher says get yor free hotmail. I ain't taking nothin' that has been stold from the Post Office. Lita is talkin' all kinds of computer talk. She is smart as she is purty. Me and Bubba is just settin' here watchin' her computer TV and thankin' about needin' more beer. I guess we best be hittin' the road 'cause we is feelin' dumber by the minute watchin' Lita do all that fancy computer stuff. Lita asked if we "yahooed". We asked her did she forget who we was...we yahoo when we got cheep beer and bust a target with our deer guns.

Lita said yahoo was a computer talkin thang.........she has made my head hurt again. Computers must be hillbillies like us if "yahoo" makes em talk.

I thought I heered a can of beer callin' out to me. Bubba said he heered one a callin' him too............I guess we best go investigate them voices we is a heerin'.............