Ma Stumpbuster Gets Taken For a Ride

 

By Laurie A. Flori

 

(The 2nd story in a series inspired by my friend Susan Perkins about her neighbors.)

 

Pa Stumpbuster was tinkering around with his tools all day Sunday. The Hubs & I could see him from our dining room window. He was working on something under the shade trees in his front yard.

 

He took off his shirt because it was so hot outside & I nearly gagged. Let me tell you, it was not a pretty sight. He was hairier than a Sasquatch & just as gross. You could've braided the hair under his arms, it was so long. He had the “done lap disease” pretty bad & I'm sure it was probably a good 8 to 10 inches of that gut of a belly that was done lapping over his belt. Probably twins hibernating in there.

 

Our dining room window is a huge picture window. Watching the Stumpbusters do all of their hillbilly hick shenanigans through it is almost like having a front seat to our own private comedy movie, except with hillbilly apes in place of actors. They would have been great in the movie Deliverance.

 

We might have to remove that window for the sake of our sanity.

 

Every now & then we could hear banging & cursing. Then Pa would get p-o'd about something not going right. He'd stop for a while & drink a couple of beers. He was getting pretty well lit by mid afternoon, because we could hear the cursing starting to slur a bit. Old Pa Stumpbuster was in luck - the Stumpbuster Juniors showed up to help him. The Stumpbuster Juniors are the names that we have allotted to Ma & Pa's children.

 

There were 6 or 8 of the rusty old bicycles with milk crates tied to them laying in the front yard. One of the Juniors said, “What ya buildin there Pa?”

 

Pa turned & smacked him on the top of the head, “Whaddaya thank it is idiot?”

 

The Junior looked at him & said, “Looks like some kind a wagon.”

 

Pa retorted “ No sheet shurley, & goflammit, this stubid thang ain't worth a sheet. I odda pour some gas on it & barn it.”

 

“Naw” said the Junior, “I'll help yah getter fixed up - hand me a beer first.”

 

Pa handed him a beer & he drank a few swigs. Then the banging & clanking of tools started up.

 

I was sure I didn't want to watch them out there working on building some kind of degenerative wagon. And I knew I didn't want to see any of the Stumpbuster Juniors without shirts. I would have needed some serious counseling after seeing a sight that bad.

 

I went into the TV room & sat down; hubby came in to watch TV with me a little while later. We were halfway through a movie when we heard the roar of a chain saw starting up. Hubs & I looked at each other & flew into the dining room.

 

Oh my God, they were going to trim their trees. I looked at the Hubs & said, “This can't be good.”

 

Hubs said, “Nope, somebody's going to get killed.” So, we pulled out a couple of chairs from the dining room table. We had to sit & watch this.

 

One of the Stumpbuster Juniors climbed halfway up a tree & started in on a large branch. He cut into it like he was cutting off the head of some wild animal.

 

Then there was a loud holler, “Out of the way, it's comin down.”

 

The Stumpbusters just stood there immobile, all in a row, like the cars on a railroad train. They stood there looking up; all the sudden there was a big snap & the branch fell to the ground only feet in front of them. They started hopping around like they were dancers at some sort of hillbilly hoedown.

 

Hubby & I both looked at each other & I said, “Are you thinking what I'm thinking?”

 

The Hubs said, “If they had only been standing a few feet farther up it would have nailed them.”

 

I said, “Yip, that's what I was thinking.”

 

Pa Stumpbuster yelled at Junior up in the tree, “Get the heel don from thar” – then there's a gigantic belch – “ya dumb sheet, ya trin ta kill us?”

 

Junior climbed down the tree, grabbed a beer & walked over to stand by Pa. Pa whacked him on the back of the head a couple of times.

 

“What'd ya do that fer?” asked the Junior

 

Pa said, “Cuz yer an idiot - aint gut nuff brains ta blow yer nose.”

 

Junior was visibly upset by this remark. He got on his bicycle & tore out of there. I was sure there'd have been rocks flying if he was in a car, but you can't burn rubber on a bicycle.

 

One of the other Stumpbuster Junior's said, “Ya peesed him off Pa. ”

 

Pa said, “Heel git over it.”

 

So, they started back in on the wagon. A few hours passed, and then we heard the lawnmower start up. By this time we were sitting down at the table eating dinner. We were eating & watching at the same time. Coming from the backyard of their house we could make out Pa on the mower. As Pa & the mower got closer we could see Ma behind him. Pa was pulling Ma in the wagon he'd made, hooked onto the back of the mower.

 

Hubby said, “Aw look honey, he's taking her for a ride.”

 

I said, “He took her for a ride years ago when he married her.” We both laughed over that remark. They made another trip around the house, then another.

 

As they were going through the front yard, Ma starts yelling & screaming, “What the heck, you dumb stupid idiot, get me out of this thing. You fixed it like you fix everything – half.”

 

Pa's mad, “Look Ma it ain't my felt the dang wheel fer off it. If yer fat backside wasn't so big, the wheel would've stayed on. You bruk it.”

 

“My backside ain't near as fat as yours,” Ma said, “get over here & help me up.”

 

Pa went over & held out his hand to help her up. Ma made it to a standing position, but the seat of her pants was ripped badly. You could make out white underwear beneath her black pants. I was shocked that she actually wore underwear. Pa & the Stumpbuster Juniors roared into laughter at her. It was a funny sight. Ma marched into the house & slammed the door shut with a loud bang. Pa & the Juniors laugh even harder at that.

 

“Now you did it Pa, Ma's really mad,” says one of the Juniors.

 

Pa lets out a big belch & says, “Yaw I know.”

 

Then he says, “Sheeel git over it.”

 

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