Ma & Pa Stumpbuster

Copyright © 2011 by Laurie A. Flori

 

(This story was inspired by my friend Susan Perkins & her neighbors.)

I walked out to sweep the front sidewalk. There it was, the latest addition to the neighbors' landscape. I gritted my teeth & walked back inside.

“What is it with our hillbilly, hick, stumpbuster neighbors,” I asked my husband, “I'm sick of them parking all their dead cars in their driveway & yard like it's some sick monument to Ford Motor Company.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” he replied, “It's beginning to get to me too; it looks like a junk yard over there.”

“I cannot stand to live by them with all that junk,” I said, “& the burning smell is really getting bad.”

Our neighbors had earned the names Ma & Pa Stumpbuster after the “stump burning incident” in their yard.

Old Pa Stumpbuster decided to burn the base of a huge tree stump sitting on the corner of his property. He poured everything he could find on it & then lit it on fire. The hubs & I watched the whole scene unfold from our dining room window. I thought we were gonna have to call 911 at one point, when Pa Stumpbuster leaned over that stump & started clicking his cigarette lighter to light it with all the gas, kerosene, diesel fuel & God only knows what else he'd dumped on it. After a few clicks of his lighter, there was a big whoooooomp & a large orange glow for a full 15 seconds. Pa Stumbpbuster squealed like a pig & ran backward yelling at the top of his lungs, “My face is on fire.” Ma Stumpbuster grabbed the garden hose & doused him all over. He was so mad that he called her every name he could think of because she'd gotten him all wet. She yelled back at him, “What the hell'd you expect me to do - you were yelling & screaming you were on fire?”

Pa Stumpbuster marched toward the house shaking his head & yelling back to her, “Sh** for brains Idiot,” over & over again like some satanic possessed parrot. Pa emerged from the house a few minutes later with dry clothes on. I couldn't help thinking that the garden hose spray down was probably the first bath he'd had in 10 years

I guess the stump burning alone wasn't a big enough blaze ‘cause they began to throw all sorts of junk on the burning stump to keep the fire going. The last was a big old couch they'd hauled out their front door & plopped on it. The springs from it are still resting on top of the old stump with flames burning through them.

Pa Stumpbuster came over a couple of days later to bring a piece of our mail that the new mailman accidently put in their mailbox. I opened the door & had to step back from the smell. Whoa it was bad. Kind of like the smell of a dirty wet dog – I guess there really is a good reason why ‘wet dog' isn't an air freshener scent. I looked at him from my safe distance a few feet back, & that's when I saw his face. It was a glorious bright red like Moses in the Ten Commandments movie when he came back down from the mountain after talking to God in the burning bush. Except, I don't think Old Pa Stumpbuster talked to God that day. I'm sure he probably heard voices, but it wasn't God talking to him. He'd singed his eyebrows & eyelashes & the first couple of inches of hair on the top of his head were burnt off. He had a big blister on the end of his nose that looked like it could go off at any second. It was all I could do to keep myself from laughing out loud in his face. And, I thought, he called Ma Stumpbuster the idiot. Only an idiot would bend over a gas filled stump, stick his hand in it & ignite it. Many stories can be told of the Stumpbusters, but this was one of the stupidest & the most entertaining to watch.

The latest junked dead car beside their house was the last straw. The other junker cars had already made their impressions in the scenery where they'd sat since the day they were pushed there. I assumed this one was going to do the same. All the Stumpbusters buy are Fords; you'd think having 10 junk Fords in your yard would make you think that maybe you should try another car brand. But, I think they might be giving up cars altogether now because most of the other family members are already riding old rusty bicycles with Prairie Farms milk crates tied to them. We know when there are a few of those parked out front that Ma & Pa Stumpbuster are having company. Guess I'm gonna have to get me one of those for myself. I'd look so classy riding it down the road, wouldn't I?

The hubby & I stayed inside the rest of the day, contemplating how much it'd cost to build a wall between us & them. We ate supper & sat down to watch a movie. All of the sudden loud twangy country music came wafting in from outside. The Stumpbusters were at it again. We walked into the dining room & saw them all in the front yard with the doors to the latest junker wide open, streaming loud music for all to hear. Ma Stumpbuster hollered at one of her kids, “Put the other CD in before the battery goes dead; I wanna hear me some Loretta Lynn.” Silence & then, “....You wined me & dined me, promised if I'd be your wife, you'd show me the world, but all you've shown me is a bed & a doctor bill, I'm tearing down your brooder house, cause now I've got the pill...” I rolled my eyes up & walked in the other room thinking, if her mother had only had the pill! We sat back down to watch the movie & couldn't keep our minds on it with the music wafting in. We abhor twangy county music & Loretta Lynn is one of the twangiest. Deciding to go on to bed, the Hubs & I turned on the noise machine in the bedroom that plays nature sounds - at least we could block out the Stumpbuster Jamboree.

As I'm laying there trying to drift off, I hear the faint sound of music, “.... You say you're gonna take him, but I don't think you can, cause you ain't woman enough to take my man, for you to take him, I'll have to move over & I'm gonna stand right here....” mingling with the sound of peaceful ocean waves. I buried my head in the pillow & piled the other pillow over my head. The last thing I remember before I fell asleep was thinking - I'd move over if I was Ma Stumpbuster & I sure as hell wouldn't stand right there beside him the next time he decides to light a stump on fire.

Of course a good singe might be what Ma needs to fix that unibrow.

Idiots!