by Oddie Possum

A Midlife Crisis
© 2003 W.R. Benton, All Rights Reserved

Maude looked around the mo'bile home and was not happy. She had expected much more in her life at the age of fifty, only things had not gone well for her at all. In high school she had had such high hopes and such big dreams. Sure, she'd married Bubba, the man of her dreams, and they lived well, but it was still not what she expected out of life. In a way, Maude was mad at the way life had treated her and Bubba. Bubba worked hard and was successful in his own way, but there was more to life than a new truck, gun rack, and a double wide mo'bile home, right?

There was knock on the door and Maude knew it was Nadine Lucille. Nadine worked down at Andy's café and was a knockout by any standard. Most of the men went by for coffee just to see her when she was working. She had a big chest, nice firm rump, beautiful face, and Maude hated her for those assets. Why couldn't the woman be just a little overweight like some Southern women? Maude walked to the door and opened it.

Nadine was standing there with Taterhead, the beagle, jumping on her. That dawg is at it again, thought Maude, He is such a jumper.

But, she smiled at Nadine and said, “Just ‘nore him honey. He's a lot like Bubba and it means he's jus' happy to see ya is all.”

“I done been ‘norin' his buns, but he won't stop,” Nadine said with more than just a hint of anger in her voice.

“Taterhead! Ya go and count the chickens. Get outta heah and now!” Maude screamed and moved toward the dog.

Taterhead, scared, quickly moved back away from Nadine, but started to growl at the two women. His fur was standing up and his teeth were bared. Saliva dripped from his open mouth.

“He looks just like Bubba when he's innerested in goin' out an' I say no,” Maude said and followed her statement with a loud horse like laugh.

Nadine laughed as well and moved into the mobile home. She looked around and was surprised to find that Maude was such a good housekeeper. Bubba always looked so dirty and unkempt that Nadine thought it was a family trait. Now she knew it was just Bubba. The boy would probably look bad dressed in gold and silk. Of course, Maude always looked clean and dressed very well. After all, she bought all her clothes at Wally's World.

Maude offered Nadine a seat and soon the two of them were comfortable on the old over-stuffed sofa as they talked. The air was filled with cigarette smoke as the two woman started to discuss life in general.

“So, how be thangs heah in the holler Maude?” Nadine asked as she took a deep drag from her cigarette.

“Been as busy as a one legged man in a mile race ‘round heah. Bubba done made a new garden and our old truck needed a new block. Of course, the dawgs been a real handful and little Bubba Junior is starting to date girls.”

“What'd y'all put in the garden? I got me a small one out back.”

“We got us some ung-youngs, collard greens, some cabbages, and ya know we got us some turnips as well.”

“Bubba been behavin' himself lately?”

“Now, Nadine, why would ya ask a question like that?”

“Well, it's jus' he's been a handful down at the diner. He's always a-jokin' and a-actin' up. I was wonderin' if the two of ya are a-getting along well.”

“Shore, thangs is great with me and Bubba,” Maude replied, as she made a mental note to nail Bubba's hide to the front door as soon as he came home from work.

“And, he's been in the café more than usual lately,” Nadine said as she stretched her long and shapely legs out in front of her.

Lord, how I hate this woman, Maude thought as she caught herself looking at Nadine's very finely developed figure. She is near perfect, body wise anyway, Maude thought.

“I guess he is jus' a-meetin' some friends fer coffee and a few dis'cussions.”

“Well, I don't like the way he looks at me. He gives me the feelin' he can see right through my unee'form and all.”

“Now, Nadine, he is jes' a man and ya know how good ya look. I thank he's just a normal man and likes to look at the purtty ladies. Has he said anythang that upset ya?”
“Said anythang? Why of course not. He is a Southern gentleman ya know. He jes' looks.”

“Long as he jes' looks, he is ok. Ya know Bubba, all mouth and no action.”

“Well, iffen ya say so. But, if it ain't much trouble would ya say a word or two to ‘em for me?”

Nadine, Maude thought , when I get done with Bubba's backside he won't even look at his momma, much less talk. He is in one big mess right now. There goes his trip to the VFW with the boys later tonight. I can unnerstand him a-lookin', cause Nadine deserves to be looked at with her body, but if she noticed it, he has been up to his old routine again.

“Oh, fer yer sake, yep, I'll say a word or three to ‘em. How-some-ever, I thank yer a-makin' more outta this than is thar Nadine,” Maude said as she made a mental note to say much more than a word or three to the boy. Bubba would walk home to World War Three tonight after work.

For the rest of the afternoon they made small talk. They talked about things like, the coming deer hunting season, the new sheriff, and the hayride next week. Things went smoothly and soon Nadine was out the door.

After Nadine had left, Maude had spent the next two hours steaming with her thoughts of Bubba a-chasin' after Nadine and droolin' down his chin. Sure, Nadine looked good, but her intellectual level was right there with a grub worm. She was ‘bout as dumb as a box of mud. Great body but a dead mind. She must be a natural blond, Maude thought as she dried the last cup from the dishes. It was then she heard Bubba's old truck pull up into the driveway.

“Honey, I had a hard day at the Ger'rage. Thangs was a mess. And the new guy, Leroy Johnson, well, he just ain't workin' out very well. I need me a cold ice tea.”

“That's it huh? Just tell me how yer day went, huh? What ‘bout my day? Aren't ya innerested in how my day went?”

Bubba had been married long enough to know he was in trouble. He thought back and tried to cover all aspects; the checkin' account was normal, zero, the truck payment had been on time, and obviously the ‘lectricity was still on, so they hadn't cut it off yet. What could he have done? He reached in the fridge and took out the tea pitcher. As he poured a glass full of tea, he turned toward Maude, smiled at her and asked, “So, Maude, how did my favorite wife's day go?”

“Well, I had me a visitor. Nadine Lucille dropped by for the afternoon. We had us a good dee-skusion ‘bout how ya and the boys been a -oodlin' her while she works. Now, what do ya have to say fer yerself?”

“Guilty as charged my dear. She runs ‘round there with her stuff half a-hangin' out. What do you ‘spect a man to do? Course I look at her. But, I gotta eat and Uncle Andy needs the business. I wouldn't be normal iffen I didn' look at her. Thar hain't a thang wrong with it either. Ya should be worried iffen I didn't look, woman,” Bubba said, lifted his tea and took a long slow swig before he turned toward Maude.

Maude was thinking. She loved Bubba and she knew all it took to make him happy was a good meal, a cold drink and a full tank of gas. He was for sure low maintenance. She trusted him and she believed him, but he was a Southern man after all. That meant, to her anyway, he needed a short chain most of the time.

Bubba pulled Maude to him and kissed her on the left cheek. Reaching around he stroked her back as he said, “Maude, ya listen heah. I ain't got the hots fer no other woman. When it comes to other fee-males, this dawg don't hunt. I got all I can handle in just being married to ya. I love ya Maude and yer silly backwoods hills heart knows it.”

“I know ya do Bubba and I love ya. But,…”

“But, what Maude? Ya mad at me over what that old cow said to ya? Forget it.”

He kissed Maude on the cheek once more and went into the living room to his favorite chair. As soon as he was seated, he removed his ball cap and placed it on the end table beside the chair. He turned the television on and selected his favorite channel, the Sports Network Y'all. He relaxed in the chair, placed his feet on the footstool and relaxed. He closed his eyes and thought, I wondered what is on the menu at uncle Andy's Café tomorrow for lunch. After all, a man had to eat, right?

 

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Gary "Mule" Benton grew up in the Missouri Ozark Mountains and speaks broken Yankee, some of the Queen's English, and is fluent Southern. He's currently learning Texan. And, yes, his voice has a Southern “twang.” He is proud of his southern heritage, while his writing and cartooning speaks for him most of the time. In his youth he worked as a domestic engineer (four brothers and sisters), a pig slopper, a wild life procurement specialist (when he was hungry), a roofer (until he fell off the roof after two hours on the job), a cook (no comment), a goat milker (one morning), midwife to a couple of cows, a dishwasher, and finally a member of the United States military. He has an Associates Degree in Search and Rescue, Survival Operations and Bachelors Degree in Safety and Health. He only needs to complete his thesis for a Masters Degree in Psychology. Gary is an award winning writer and cartoonist, as well as a published author. He currently has three books in print, two Westerns and one Wilderness Survival Guide

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