by Oddie Possum

Redneck Women, Ya Gotta Love 'em
© 2007 W.R. Benton, all rights reserved

I've been married to a redneck woman forever and let me tell ya, they ain't easy to live with. They have it easy, if they're married to a redneck man, like me, ‘cause we're God's gift to mankind. The cost to keep a redneck man is pretty cheap, compared to other men, after all, all we need is a tin of tobacco, six pack of beer, RC® cola, and a Moon Pie every now and again. We bring wild game in and most of the time it's in season, well, at least for us.

Redneck woman cost a man for years. They'll want a lava lamp, a neon beer sign, boxes of “duck tape”, four or five Elvis posters, pink flamingo's in the front yard. And, trust me on this, they'll even make ya'll move the empty 55 gallon drums so the pink birds will look nice. Most make a man save fer years so they can visit Memphis and see Graceland . They'll also send a feller out in the middle of the night to run to Eleven-Seven to get some pork rinds and maybe never even say thank ya. While I love ‘em, some redneck women are hard on a man sometimes.

I recently visited Bubba and Maude, and the conversation was interestin', to say the least.

“We don't need a new winder in the bedroom! What's wrong wid the one we got?” Bubba screamed as he put his beer on the empty 55 gallon drum he'd cut in half to make an end-table.

“It ain't no winder, it's a duck taped trash bag, that's what's wrong wid it!” Maude yelled right back.

“So,” Bubba replied and immediately took on a confused look, “it's been on there since 1977.”

“That's my point!”

Bubba shook his head and asked, “What's yer point?”

Maude's face turned a deep red as she said, “The point is, it's not a winder but ducked taped plastic!”

“Oh, since when did Miss Duck Tape of 2007 dee-cide duck tape ain't no good no mo' and we needed a real winder?”

“Since I was down at Home Hardware and saw ‘em at a good price.”

“Sweetheart, the taped on trash bag works fine.” He tried the lovey-dovey approach, since logic hadn't worked.

“Bubba Lee Claremore, if-un ya want any peace in this mo-bile home fer the next five years, ya'll get me a new winder.”

Bubba shook his head, picked up his truck keys and was off to Home Hardware.

Now, I have a question. If trash bags were duck taped over Maude's two rear and passenger's winders of her 1967 car, why did the bedroom winder need to be fixed? It didn't, ‘cause it worked fine and didn't leak unless it rained.

 

Vist His Site.

Gary "Mule" Benton grew up in the Missouri Ozark Mountains and speaks broken Yankee, some of the Queen's English, and is fluent Southern. He's currently learning Texan. And, yes, his voice has a Southern “twang.” He is proud of his southern heritage, while his writing and cartooning speaks for him most of the time. In his youth he worked as a domestic engineer (four brothers and sisters), a pig slopper, a wild life procurement specialist (when he was hungry), a roofer (until he fell off the roof after two hours on the job), a cook (no comment), a goat milker (one morning), midwife to a couple of cows, a dishwasher, and finally a member of the United States military. He has an Associates Degree in Search and Rescue, Survival Operations and Bachelors Degree in Safety and Health. He only needs to complete his thesis for a Masters Degree in Psychology. Gary is an award winning writer and cartoonist, as well as a published author. He currently has three books in print, two Westerns and one Wilderness Survival Guide

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