Spring Is In The Air

By Laurie A Flori

(The 3 rd story in a series inspired by my good friend Susan Perkins about her neighbors.)

It was the smell of spring in the air? That smell that came with the planting of new crops. Or was it the farmers spreading fertilizer on the fields wafting my way, or could it have been that Ma & Pa Stumpbuster & the Stumpbuster Juniors were long overdue for their yearly baths? Who knew?

In the past week, I'd finished sewing a new pair of curtains for the dining room window & decided to hang them. I scrambled to get them done because Ma & Pa were not shutting the blinds to their bedroom anymore & quite frankly, what went on in there was not something I wanted to watch under any circumstances. The fact that wacko's like them could even procreate is still baffling to me.

The Juniors all looked like they could have be poster models for why abortion should not only be totally legalized, but mandatory in some cases. Maybe they should come up with some kind of human euthanasia. You could definitely tell all the Stumpbusters share the same twisted genes. I was thinking that their grandmother or great grandmother should have used extra lye when she made soap & spared the rest of the world from these morons by killing off some of the weirdness from that gene pool.

Ma & Pa Stumpbuster liked to “sleep” late on Sunday mornings. No church for them. They'd tell the Juniors they were sleeping in, but that wasn't what they are doing in there. I think that both of them have smelled enough bad smell that it had made them immune to the rank smell emanating from each other. That stench was pretty bad. But, nonetheless, they still did things in their bedroom which, let's just say, requires an extra degree of closeness. And I am not talking about Degree deodorant either. I didn't want to see any part of what went on in there, so I made curtains so I could close it out.

They were outside earlier, on the front porch. Pa was smashing up all his junk scrap laying around so he could go cash it in & supplement his disability check. He had a pretty good pile going when some of the Juniors came by for a visit. They all started in helping him. Pa wasn't too happy about that, because soon the cursing began. Then they all started getting into it with each other. Another Stumpbuster showdown.

We had our window open & could hear pretty well everything. Pa started the whole fight when he told the oldest Junior he was about, “As useless as a one leg man in an ass kicking contest.” This happened after the oldest Junior threw away a whole piece of scrap metal that could have netted Pa a buck at most. The oldest Junior was mad, he told Pa, “If you're gonna talk ta me like that then you can haul the sheet to the scrap yard yourself.” Pa told him, “I don't need yer dang help – I'll get it done myself.” The oldest Junior got on his bicycle & left, but the other two Juniors stayed behind to help Pa. One of the other Juniors told Pa, “You shouldn't of said that to him.” Pa said, “He's an idiot, he's so dumb that blondes tell jokes about him.” They all busted into laughter at hearing that.

After the scrap was taken over to the scrap yard, I guess Pa had a few bucks because he picked up a couple of cans of spray paint. Not your normal spray paint colors, but a bright, ugly neon green. Why is it that people who you don't want to give any attention to are the very people who do stupid things & draw the most attention to themselves? Neon green spray paint – really?

Pa started in painting an old half chipped up concrete basket on his front porch, as if that could make things look better at their place. He didn't move it, just left it right where it was sitting & commenced to spraying it. And, now there is a pretty good sized area of neon green on the front of their house. When Ma came outside & saw it, she was more than a little p-o'd, “What the heck'd you do it on the porch fer, ya idiot, now it's all over the house.” Pa hollered, “Oh well, it's gonna all come off next time it rains.” Ma replied, “Nah it won't & if'n it did, why the heck'd ya spray paint the dang basket anyways?” Pa just looked at her for a few minutes as if he was trying to comprehend what she'd said. It's obvious that the hamster fell off the wheel in that pea brain head of his a long time ago. Ma's brain too for that matter.

Ma decided that she would use up the rest of the spray paint & paint some other things on their front porch, she'd already finished a birdhouse, a planter & a few other things & then she decided she was going to paint a hanging planter. I don't know why she even bothered with that planter, because everything had died in it a couple of years ago. She was busily painting & the phone rang. Off she went to answer it. Pa decided he'd finish the planter. Ma ended her phone call in a couple of seconds & came back around the side of the house to finish the planter herself. Pa was still spraying away & he nailed her right smack in the face with green neon paint. He knew he was in big trouble & he backed away in a hurry. Ma was mad. Pa yelled, “Couldn't ya heared me spraying?” Ma said, “No you stupid ignert idiot, & now look what ya done.” She went stomping into the house & I guess she tried to scrub it off, because a little while later she stepped out the door & started yelling at Pa. “It won't come off, now look what ya done, it's gonna have to wear off & I'm gonna have a green face, & I don't like it.” Pa started laughing. This made Ma really mad & she picked up that can of spray paint & went after him. He ran faster than I'd ever seen anybody run & he's supposed to be on disability. Didn't look much disabled to me, but then there is the mental issue – I guess that can be considered a disablement. I mean, let's face it, when you're that stupid & dumb you're pretty bad off. Judge Judy always says, “You can't fix stupid.”

I guess Ma got tired of trying to chase him down & sat down on the porch for a while. About an hour or so later, Pa must have thought he was in the clear, cause he went over to where she was & sat down beside her. A few minutes later he ripped off a line of cuss words that would have made old sailor flinch. Ma had gotten him back. The left side of his face & his hair were now sporting a neon green glow. I thought he was going to hit her, but Ma still had the spray paint can so he thought the better of it. Ma went in the house & Pa stayed outside. That was how it was the rest of the afternoon. I guess the Stumpbusters weren't talking to each other. Ain't love grand?

About 4:30 or so, late in the afternoon, it started getting overcast outside. The weather had called for rain. I spent the rest of the afternoon in the kitchen cooking & baking. It was about 6:00 & pouring rain when the Hubs & I sat down to eat supper. We sat down at the dining room table & looked out the window thinking we'd watch it rain. But, there in the pouring down rain, in a couple of old rusty lawn chairs, sat Ma & Pa Stumpbuster. Both were leaning their heads back on the chair backs with their faces tilted up to the rain.

The Hubby & I both broke into hysterical laughter. We knew exactly what they were doing.

They were waiting for the rain to wash off that spray paint. The Stumpbusters were gonna sit out there in the rain until it was all off.

They were going to sit out there & make themselves sicker than dogs.

That neon green paint was gonna be on there awhile.

You really can't fix stupid.

Idiots!